Scorpions are most often very prim and proper, not enjoying fart jokes or Calvin and Hobbes "pissing" pictures. Whilst they do a sense of humour, Scorpio is the star-sign most likely to use the phrase "I have a very good sense of humour, it's you that doesn't".
Whilst being one of the more uptight star-signs, Scorpio is also well endowed in the sexual areas. For men, this can be referenced in the pseudo-medical manner as "Trouser-Snakeage". For women, "Ample Breastage". Many Scorpions are also proud to have at their disposal, an almost insatiable appetite for love and are often quite overpowering in the giving and receiving of attentions.
Scorpio also tend to have a very poor sense of time, often losing it altogether. Whilst this does mean that Scorpions are one of the most likely star-signs to be late for a meeting, it also accounts for the alarming statistic that 47% of all recorded alien-abductees are Scorpions. 98% of those have reported losing time on their way to and from the alien's craft, whilst 21% of them pronounced upon landing that their "butt was sore".
All Scorpions are required by law to have a tattoo of a scorpion placed on the small of their back or on one of their shoulders.
Aries
The army has always held a fascination for you. Today might be a day where new things start to happen. The odds on you surviving the day with your sanity intact are low. It is tantalising to think that you may be the favourite person in your area. However, fame always leads to the embarrassing disclosure of old XXX tapes of you.
Taurus
You can't star in your own television show if you're a no-talented idiot. Just something to keep in mind - no particular reference to you. The night may feel like a safe time to parade naked through the local city streets, however, you may find there are some that oppose your freedom.
Gemini
The lights are on, nobody's home and it's time to download some porn off the internet. You may feel like today has started like a horror story, but it will get better this lunchtime. All your wishes can come true if you're willing to briefly take on a life of crime.
Cancer
You're as transparent as a blast of canned air - try to be more complex by wearing hats that are clearly too small for your head. The next word you hear may cause you to rush into a blind rage. Please think before acting too rashly with a potato masher.
Leo
If you think you've been harshly treated, please feel free to contact me or perhaps issue some kind of fatwa. Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend, or a cat's best friend. Dogs are totally flexible.
Virgo
Login to every site you can and you'll soon understand what the meaning of the internet is. If Jesus were here, he'd probably bless you in light of what's going to happen to you today.
Libra
The end is more like the beginning than you'd think. Wearing gloves may make you feel like you're a master criminal, but you may be best to avoid wearing gloves with your name emblazened on the palm. With all you've been through you should be glad that this week will actually come to a close.
Scorpio
A nearby construction company may approach you this morning in an attempt to fool you into thinking that the world is about to explode. You may be better off taking charge of your own laundry today for reasons that the stars do not make clear.
Sagittarius
Ketchup and Katsup are essentially the same thing. But a brown-sauce is not always a brown-sauce. Angles may become a nuisance today, especially 90 degree angles. Boy - they're the worst! Silver foil can make a good hat, it's true. However, it can also be used as a sheathe should you find yourself lucky one lunchtime. Discarded sandwiches may prove lucky for any local tramps.
Capricorn
The worry you're feeling is unnecessary...because you can't avoid the horrors that await. Try to avoid reading dusty old books that call themselves 'tomes'. Especially if they contain remarkably detailed information about the coming of the anti-christ.
Aquarius
Your friends won't forgive you if you don't take the opportunity you are presented with. Hearing clicking noises in your head is not a good sign for you today. Always meet people you met on the internet in a dark place, preferably a graveyard or a disco.
Pisces
Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Your face may become sore and chapped today due to all the slapping. "Shout, shout, let it all out." A rhyming message which can really help you out today. You may think that starting afresh on Monday would be of some comfort, but it really won't be.
