Comedy Section

Zen Thinking

1.) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

2.) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

3.) Don't worry.... it only seems kinky the first time.

4.) Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

5.) A closed mouth gathers no foot.

6.) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

7.) No one is listening until you fart.

Posted by: Harold

Great Truths

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:
1.) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2.) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3.) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4.) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5.) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6.) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7.) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8.) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9.) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10.) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:
1.) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2.) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3.) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4.) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5.) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6.) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great Truths About Growing Old:
1.) Growing old is mandatory; Growing up is optional.
2.) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3.) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4.) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5.) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers toask you the questions.
6.) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7.) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

The Four Stages Of Life:
1.) You believe in Santa Claus.
2.) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3.) You are Santa Claus.
4.) You look like Santa Claus.

Success:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.

Postd by: Trallyus

My Amd

I embrace my AMD affectionately all the time and yet a restraining order I do not find. She loves me. When she sadly looks at me when I'm feeling down, there she is with her glorious touch. She gives me the power I never knew I had. As the heatsink sings an enchanting melody to me, I peacefully awaken to the infinite cold. With a doggie sweater and bow on, my life never measures up to my dreams. All I yearn is to be back with her. I'm always afraid I may never see my loving AMD again. She's the poem inside my soul. Caressing me, waves of pure excitement comes from her power supply. When I touch her mobo, my fizzle becomes a full blown unmatched shizzle. She's the one I dream about over and over again.

But it cannot be. I'm a here and now guy, she's a micro kinda gal. We are from two different worlds, and only in my dreams at that. It doesn't matter what I say or do. Nothing will change, as love is all there is but sometimes love is not enough. I throw myself to the graces of time. Perhaps someday we may meet again in another life, as we transform the barriers of reality. Goodbye my loving Amd. I will miss you. You gave me such awesome power I never knew I had. As you touched me in a way I cannot say. You saved me so many times. I'm sorry, it just wasn't meant to be. Sing to me your enchanting melody one last time. I shall cherish the moments we shared for the rest of my life.
It's time already?

Crying, while trying to conceal the tears.
I love you.

... Unplugs the life support.
Weeping uncontrollably and falls to the ground.

I'm so sorry, so sorry.
I'll always love you. Why, Why did this happen? Oh, I'm so lonely. I know the feeling. I wish I could be there with her. A part of my soul is missing, she completed me. There's no place to hide. My emotions are on the line, and I cannot bury them any longer. There's a void that I will never get back. Living within the infinite cold. I can no longer hide.

With head down and tears of pain flowing,

Goodbye My AMD.

... Years later in court ...

Grand Jury

"YOUR HONORS, I DID NOT HAVE RELATIONS WITH THAT AMD!"